Every Bloggers nightmare has happened to me. 48 hours ago someone very dear in my real life discovered this blog and wrote to tell me so. It is the horrible experience you imagine it to be, and I sat with my eyes closed as worlds collided in 4 simple words:
‘I found your blog’.
This piece is not about them so please my darling rest easy. Rather in my typical style, it’s some kind of fusion of personal meets principle, so no bloody corpses or salacious details, no revelations, no masturbatory fodder. This post is for people who know me in real life, whether you’ve declared your presence or otherwise. By extension, it will be appropriate to all bloggers, most especially sexual and erotic writers whose need for anonymity and sensitive consideration is more marked.
You may notice that I’ve reinstated the link to the blogger’s disclaimer in my sidebar. I would ask you to read it and consider carefully all it says. I’d like to particularly draw your attention to this phrase:
‘View weblogs as online journals, no less sacred than a diary hidden between the mattresses.’
Whether you are here by invitation or accident, I need you to understand that this space is sacred to me and that all my words are from the heart. I don’t write for other people’s pleasure, I’m flattered and pleased that people enjoy my words, but I write for myself first and foremost.
So why write online? Why not keep pen and paper journals, or hold the files in a private place?
It’s a valid question, and not one for which I have an easy answer. I believe people start blogging with very different intentions in mind, and generally speaking, that flavour is evident and in part determines the readership. Around these common interests communities grow, friendships are fostered.
I have absolutely no idea how many sexual blogs there are or what percentage of the 40.1 million sites Technorati currently tracks dedicate themselves to sexual content, but I would think it’s pretty high. What are the chances of someone you know stumbling upon you in that colossal cyber sea? Surprisingly high actually, because the blogosphere is a small world and the notion of 6 degrees of separation is a kinky concept come true. Given this exposure, am I naïve to consider my space safe in some senses?
Perhaps hopeful over naïve but in the main the respect I am afforded suggests that such faith rests on firm ground. As cyber relations evolve, etiquette finds itself in the same strange place as intimacy. Which courtesies are to be observed in this online arena?
Many of us write about encounters and people without seeking the consent of those concerned. We change names, essential details, embellish facts not to deny truth but to protect those we care for and play with, whilst affording maximum expression. It’s not always an easy trade but it allows the disclosure we need. And for the record, I’ve seen through the disguise to read about myself online so I have a familiarity with this.
That doesn’t make it ok and it doesn’t mitigate the hurt or surprise I caused. There is a flipside to this, and that is, once you realise you’re reading the words of someone you know, do you continue? Should you continue?
As a teenager, I suspected that my boyfriend was playing around so I did something I’m neither proud of nor have done since. I read his diary and found the confirmation I dreaded. When I finally confronted him, I had to confess how I’d come across the information and he went ballistic. I remember my shock, for in my dumb innocence I’d expected an apology or an explanation. Neither were forthcoming and instead he tore into me for violating his privacy. We were both out of line but it taught me a valuable lesson in how blurred such boundaries can be, especially in erotic situations.
But he was right, and I have a measure of that anger now. Not directed at anyone, more at the situation and at how I could have handled it better to begin with. Here even the wisdom of hindsight fails because I’m not sure what I would do given the chance again. There are 3 choices:
1. The same i.e. write and be damned
2. Don’t write about it at all, or rather don’t post it
3. Seek consent.
Number three is the pivotal one really, because let’s just assume consent is given, what you’re also doing is offering an invitation into your inner world. Are you happy with your erotic playmates reading everything about you? And anyway, it isn’t that simple because while we don’t play in a vacuum, we don’t necessarily tell each other everything. Perhaps we *should*.
I’m also angry because I don’t wish to temper my voice. I was mute for years and years about my sexuality and it was only through online exploration that I came to realise and finally embrace my submissive self. If it hadn’t been for those raw and painfully honest writings I’m sure I’d still be as confused now. As it is there is much about this aspect of my nature I struggle with.
And here’s another thing, through writing about this I’ve come into contact with kindred spirits and while protecting the parameters of our private lives, we’ve transcended the details to probe the soul of this sexual need. Before Metawhores I starved for that communion whereas now I have many amazing friendships. I wouldn’t trade my contact with you for the world and in so many ways my writing is a dedication to you all.
In a comment on my last post, my dear friend Tea states: ‘There are two things that I can honestly say have saved my life - one is writing, and the other is… dancing from my belly.’ And the exact same holds for me.
When I stopped dancing I literally lost my mind. My Mum believes I had a nervous breakdown and that may be so, and I’m eternally grateful for her kindness during those days. I certainly entered one of the blackest depressions of my life and took anti-depressants at the insistence of my Doctor. The loss was unbearable and you must forgive me for not disclosing the details here, the nature of which still makes me weep. In real time, I have a friend I refer to as a guardian angel because she held my faith and reinvested it when the time was right, and thanks to her I started dancing again.
On that bridge from the dark times to now, I discovered writing. I’m doing it again, I’m omitting essential details. I didn’t just stop dancing, that same year my heart was broken clean in two and the combination near killed me. So writing was a way out, a way back. That is no exaggeration and you can all happily accept the part you played in that healing. I’m sure it’s evident but I think I’ve changed a lot from the woman I was, from the creature who created this Blogger account and fucked up the name thus ending up with Delta of Venus and not Myths and Metawhores as the URL.
While I’m still as technically incompetent, I’m growing in other ways. Blogging is very organic and the interactive nature promotes and suggests quite fascinating developments. And fuck ups.
*sighs*
The shock of discovery has diminished, the potential catastrophe eclipsed by hopeful feelings that dance between optimism and relief. Yesterday I was in company and plastered a smile on my face, this morning I cried my heart out. Having released that sadness, I feel calmer and hope this post communicates my intentions.
I accept my responsibilities here and am genuinely sorry for the hurt I caused, I shall be more mindful in future. But I have a request to make of the people who know me, who read me.
For all the flaws and foibles of this medium, my interaction with it and the people who come here, this is my space, my sanctum sanctorum. You read in full consciousness that such truth means you’re on hallowed ground. I can’t and won’t censor myself to pacify or assuage your sensibilities or preconceptions of who you think I am.
I actually detest the word blog. It’s ugly, clumpy and totally fails to capture the essence of the writings contained within. I prefer journal, be it online or otherwise. Journaling has more honourable connotations and is often likened to a mirror, only in this context, the reflection speaks back.
Looking glass, crucible, art.
“Art is neither complete rejection nor complete acceptance of what is. It is simultaneously rejection and acceptance, and this is why it must be perpetually renewed wrenching apart. The artist constantly lives in such a state of ambiguity.”
Albert Camus
Take my hand. Dance with me. The erotic is the most exquisite dance of all, and I remain your secret partner and friend.
Decahelion Says:
May 19th, 2006 at 6:56 pmVisit Decahelion
I’m a new fan; love your writing and perhaps some humor will help things: http://www.marriedtothesea.com/050906/FIRED.gif
magdelena Says:
May 19th, 2006 at 8:12 pmVisit magdelena
LOL, that’s brilliant.
Thanks so much for this. Your avatar is familiar, I think we’ve crossed paths on Strange Fire.
Welcome here, with thanks again for the laughs and the compliment.
X
magdelena Says:
May 19th, 2006 at 9:21 pmVisit magdelena
I’d like to acknowledge the gorgeous series of texts I’ve received from a RL friend, who reads me but elects to stay silent.
You’re my touchstone, my safe call, my soft thread to sanity and connection with the wilde.
I love you babe.
Thankyou. X
LS Says:
May 19th, 2006 at 11:03 pmVisit LS
Oh my. that is my ultimate nightmare. I have moved a number of times already at the mere wiff of discovery. I’m impressed with the way you handle it though:)
magdelena Says:
May 19th, 2006 at 11:12 pmVisit magdelena
LS - thanks for surfacing to whisper in the dark.
Shakes Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 12:53 amVisit Shakes
I agree with you about the word “blog.” It makes me wince and groan. But I’m learning to embrace the concept. Rather than snarking at it as some sort of fad, why not use it to my advantage?
The publicity of an online journal is like a kind of shield. I like to say that publicity is the new privacy. However, anonymity isn’t guaranteed.
Instead of writing my thoughts in a diary and sticking it under my pillow, I open it to the world. Look! This is what I think, what I feel! This is what I have to say! No longer will I smother myself under the pillow!
Will people read it? Do I want them to? I don’t know.
The “blogosphere” is still relatively new. Sure, one can set out etiquette guidelines, but I’m hesitant to set anything in stone while the phenomenon is evolving.
The way a person’s blog interacts with a person’s life is a work in progress.
I didn’t mean to go on for so long - I’ve just been thinking about this a lot lately.
magdelena Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 10:47 amVisit magdelena
Shakes, I like long and thoughtful responses, they tell me you’ve read and considered my words.
You make some good points and I value your perspective. As a new writer, you have a freshness and that breeze is always welcome.
As you say, ‘the phenomenon is evolving’ so courtesies will change and with that change comes consequence. Some of us, like me, will be on the sharp end of that. That’s fine, I’d rather it happened to me than someone who would be destroyed by discovery. Nothing is lost if we learn from this.
Welcome to online journaling and thanks for linking and stopping by. I’ll come play in the sandbox later.
Evil Minx Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 7:36 pmVisit Evil Minx
Magdalena — what is it they say about words that heal? Generally, we mean that the words heal those who would write them — in which case i sincerely hope yours in this post (and everywhere else in your journal) did.
But there are always hidden dimensions of which we are unaware. Without knowing it, you touched my heart with this post. I have — all too recently had similar experiences, none of which i care to relate here, as it would violate your inner sanctum.
I send you a shoulder to cry on and a body to lean against, if you are still trembling from the shock.
But if, as your post would suggest, you have made peace with this, and do not plan to let it inhibit you (and it is my firm belief that you should not, that you have a talent far more worthy than many), then i salute you and send you my warmest and most congratulatory hugs.
I’m a long-time lurker here, this is, i believe, my virgin comment. I’ll go back to lurking, providing you continue to share your talent with us all.
All power to you, Magdalena.
Minxy xxxxx
magdelena Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 8:16 pmVisit magdelena
Minxy, God love you that’s a beautiful comment.
I genuinely appreciate your support, most especially as you speak from experience. You need have no fear of violation, you are always welcome to say your piece here. Lurking is fine, and I do appreciate you breaking form to say these things to me, that truly means a lot.
I promise you, I have no intention of falling silent, running away or muzzling my voice. I’ve seen Bloggers I care about do this and I say enough. I’m here to stay.
Your warmth and support is received with immense gratitude and your good wishes are returned in abundance.
Much love,
Lena.
Tea Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 9:43 pmVisit Tea
I am always impressed with your bravery on this journal. And I do very much consider it a journal in the highest sense.
To take this experience in stride and keep writing… all I can think of to say is thank you for this example - this model of bravery; of willingness to keep striving to live from a place of radical honesty, or at least as radical as you can stand
An aside about dance - yes, do email me - I’ll be glad to share whatever I can about the type of dance I do. And for anyone else interested in dance: expect a post from me soon on dance and submission.
Darkneuro Says:
May 20th, 2006 at 11:55 pmVisit Darkneuro
Beautiful Lena,
Don’t stop writing. I’ve practiced if one of the 2 people I *don’t* want to find my House(tm) do… “Did you enjoy it?” and “Thank you for visiting.” If I received those 4 words, my first inclination is “So?” or “And?”
You’re a beautiful writer and I do someday hope to meet you in RL and share a galss of wine and a pastry on the streets of Venice. I can imagine no better setting for a woman like you.
Peace, Beautiful Lena,
DN
Cuddleslut Says:
May 21st, 2006 at 4:06 amVisit Cuddleslut
In your usual way you have taken my deepest fears and put a voice to them - but beautifully so.
Being discovered is my deepest phobia and I must admit I have been very very lucky so far. The only people who read my blog who know me in RL, are those who have the same “interests” (read: perversions).
I have moved my blog once and am two minds as to whether I should yet again due to the fact that Himself and I are no longer together. But the way you tackled the subject of being able to tell your lover everything hit home for me. It made me realise - I already have. Himself has always had access to my journals and my thoughts. It actually worked well with us and I don’t really mind him still reading now - because it is solely by his own choice and he respects that I am moving on. Its made things much easier with the break up in fact.
My online journal is my medium with which to seek advice and while I’m not using it solely to meet friends, I have met several who I have gotten to know in RL, but at the same time, it is also to vent and release my frustrations… maybe its the whole anonymous aspect with which we all fall in love… perhaps its a need to cast our ideas and thoughts to the world and hope for acceptance and respect.
Whatever - its works for me, and that’s all I care.
Sorry for rambling.
*hugs*
CS
Evil Minx Says:
May 21st, 2006 at 10:55 amVisit Evil Minx
Lena, thank you for your reply — you brought a very real tear to my eye.
Your courage only inspires me, and i am truly grateful.
Minxy xxx
magdelena Says:
May 21st, 2006 at 3:12 pmVisit magdelena
Ok, I’ve not slept well and am here courtesy of coffee, so I’ll seize this temporary window of alertness.
Tea, you have an exquisite heart and your long term faith in me has never been so appreciated as now. Brave? Maybe, but to do and be otherwise would be to feed my own hell.
I will mail you soon and I’ll keep my eyes open for that piece of writing. Dancing and submission, how gorgeous and perfect.
Darkneuro, I am ever impressed at your courage in revealing yourself; literally your face, your sexuality and your soul. I don’t think I’ve ever told you before how inspirational I find that.
Venice it is. One day my dear, one day. Until then, my next glass is in dedication to you.
Cuddleslut, you never ramble. I value the time and consideration you always invest in your comments, both here and on other sites.
You’ve raised some interesting points in your last paragraph and I’d like to muse on those a while before responding. But yes, acceptance is a huge factor I think.
Do remember to let me know if you move. I did follow you but am guilty of lurking, sorry, I should speak out more on your page.
Minxy, fool that I am, I wrote you mail and discovered you have no contact details. A choice I respect but you know where I am should you ever desire off the page communication.
To all who’ve emailed me - thankyou for your words of support and concern. If I haven’t replied, hold tight because I will at some point soon.
Love to you all,
Lena
Shon Richards Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 12:57 pmVisit Shon Richards
I agree about the concept of a sanctum sanctorum. I think as important as it is for people to express themselves honestly and completely even if it is to an audience they never meet, I think there is also a need from the audience to hear a true voice that gives power to their feelings. I hope you never stop writing and sharing.
magdelena Says:
May 22nd, 2006 at 6:45 pmVisit magdelena
Shon, that’s an exquisite and tender insight. That you apply it here is deeply moving and actually made me cry. Thankyou.
MrManicDepressive Says:
May 23rd, 2006 at 3:04 pmVisit MrManicDepressive
Excellent journal! I’ve been reading for quite a while now.
TW is absolutely, deathly afraid of being discovered. Me? Well, I’d be cool with it. It’s OUR journal, what we find exciting in life. Everyone else will just have to deal with it. It’s not like we’re cutting anyone down. Besides, my SILs KNOW how much I lust after them! ;D
Aragorn Says:
May 23rd, 2006 at 5:02 pmVisit Aragorn
Wow, dear Lena, this is surely one of the most intimate experiences to share. Sorry to hear you went through so much hardship, truly sorry. A beautiful reflection is the result, what better could you have done than post these words. Thank you.
I sincerely wish that those who have been addressed in this post will respect you for who you are, and what you have shared / expressed for your own well being. You make a difference to many of us, have set a beautiful example. Wishing you well !!
(p.s. “blog” is indeed a ugly word … sigh, the mechanisms of computer-language)
Anonymous Says:
May 24th, 2006 at 12:18 amVisit Anonymous
wow …
orchidea Says:
May 24th, 2006 at 2:26 pmVisit orchidea
How delightful your words are, my dear. Uplifting, too. I’m staring 40 in the face (next month) and I have never felt as “bien dans ma peau” or “wohl in meine Haut”, as the French and Germans respectively say. I wish I could belly dance, and I’m rather proud of my softly curved stomach - a woman shouldn’t have a concave tum… it’s just not right.
Much love,
orchidea xxx
pretty pretender Says:
May 24th, 2006 at 6:32 pmVisit pretty pretender
Dear,
You’ve been in my thoughts and on my heart since I read this entry -
May I lend my voice to those who have thanked you for sharing your mind and your soul through this journal?
You have touched me in this short time I’ve been in the online journaling world - your freedom helped enable my own.
Love,
PrettyP
magdelena Says:
May 25th, 2006 at 11:12 amVisit magdelena
Mr manic depressive - superb name. My thanks for your compliment and thoughts.
I enjoyed the pictures of you and your honey in the woodlands. Being naked in nature is lush.
Aragorn, thanks for your kind thoughts. I know you’re busy and appreciate time taken to stop by to lay a gentle kiss on sore parts.
It’s not only the reflection that’s beautiful for I think it’s safe to say the relationship is improved, and that presents us with some delicious possibilities. Still early days but the sands have settled well on firmer foundations. Much love to you and Orchid. xxx
anonymous - quite!
orchidea, beautiful orchidea. A summertime baby with every reason to feel good in her skin. A soul as lovely as yours illuminates flesh and inspires others, as the drawings of you suggest.
I envy your multilingual talents, for I have a poor feel for language. I translate better and communicate well with movement, hence dance.
Much love sweet, soft goddess xxx
Pretty P, you’ve been such a delight and a discovery of the sweetest kind. Thankyou for your mail and your thoughts, and for speaking from your heart. I love your sacred space.
Anonymous Says:
May 25th, 2006 at 11:39 pmVisit Anonymous
Dear Magdelena,
also my first comment here, My partner posted this link of this post to me, and am very grateful to read how you have processed this. I also receved a smiliar text from a friend via another to read my blog, then another incident and last night ripped my bog from its position in cyberspace and set up a nest else, and now am lookigna t the rigamorole of re- I have one of those tempreraments that swings from privatly confident to jail door privacy, and like you do not want to have to ‘temper’ my writing.
xx Sabine
N Says:
May 28th, 2006 at 5:59 pmVisit N
Dear Lena,
I feel for you… when I was young someone read my diary. & I was devastated. The only way out, is to know that they were not supposed to read it, & thus, whatever they read, is no longer valid. Let it go… & breathe…..
All my love,
N
LustDemon Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 3:00 amVisit LustDemon
Your writing is incredible and I commend you for neither censoring nor ceasing. You’re right when you said this is YOUR space. Do with it what you will and if those who look on know you in real life, be proud that you don’t hold back. If they don’t like it they can move on!
MasterABD Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 4:13 amVisit MasterABD
I actually recently went through my parents finding my blog. *shakes head* hopefully your explainations and ramblings went better then my own.
magdelena Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 2:34 pmVisit magdelena
Sabine - thanks for sharing your experience and feelings, it’s truly reassuring to hear from others who have/are experiencing this.
I understand well the rigmarole you speak of. At one point I started importing this site elsewhere but got so utterly fucked off I stopped.
I’ve been thinking about the privacy aspect and if I can keep my brain together long enough, I’ll be making a brief post in a few minutes. Take a look, that may interest you.
I wish you all the best Sabine, and hope that you’ll stop back some day soon to let me know how things have played out for you.
Warmest wishes,
Lena
magdelena Says:
May 29th, 2006 at 2:51 pmVisit magdelena
N - such a lovely calm comment. I feel like I’ve had a warm hug, thanks so much for your breath of sanity and good feeling.
my love returned x
Lustdemon - great name!
Thankyou for your compliment and for your strong thoughts. A fellow boar I see, although I’m a winter baby in contrast to your summer birth. I appreciate your support.
MasterABD - *laughs* I feel for you, that must have been uncomfortable. My parents know so I’ve gone from Daddy’s Princess to Porn Princess in a heartbeat. They’re very supportive and I value being able to tell them the more amusing aspects of my antics. They don’t read Metawhores but I’m glad they know.
You have a fascinating site that I must explore. Thanks for linking, it’s my pleasure to reciprocate.
introspectre Says:
June 12th, 2006 at 4:34 pmVisit introspectre
Darling, most of your posts leave me with so many thoughts and words I can’t begin to express…it’s too overwhelming.
So I just leave tiny morsels, such as telling you this: “When I stopped dancing I literally lost my mind.” That gave me chills. I felt/feel the same about singing. It’s a blog for the future.
If I were to respond to everything you write, I would spend my days here answering, questioning, responding, probing…
My point is that you are sacred to me. Absolutely.
magdelena Says:
June 12th, 2006 at 6:09 pmVisit magdelena
My dear Introspectre, if it weren’t for you, there would be no Metawhores. One day I decided to delete the entire blog but on opening the page, discovered you’d linked to me and had commented. I changed my mind in that moment. So you see, you are sacred to me and my sanctuary owes so much to your lifesaving hands.
There are other things you’ve nurtured me through and helped me find peace with. Most notably I’m thinking of your post on Age Play which came at a time when I’d just left a relationship fraught with that dynamic. You helped me make sense of and heal, and that for me is a post for the future. As is yours on song. But the time needs to be right.
Blessings my beautiful fairy blogmother
introspectre Says:
June 12th, 2006 at 8:27 pmVisit introspectre
You made my eyes leak….
(sniffles)
danae Says:
June 13th, 2006 at 11:51 pmVisit danae
I started my blog almost 6 years ago. All the people that I read then and was inspired by have stopped blogging all together (all but 1 actually).
When I started my blog, I did it because I wanted to be able to write and let things out….letting things out to the world made me look at myself without the rose colored glasses, helped me be true to me, helped me work out my life on the in print before my eyes. And it has done all those things. The day it stops I might stop blogging.
When I first started - also all my friends knew about my blog. I was very out in my life of who I am and what I do. And if someone couldn’t accept that please move on. It was a wonderful way to live.
Fast forward now….I moved to a smaller town and am involved with someone who can’t afford to be outed. So I had to back of with who I tell about my blog and my lifestyle.
After six years of blogging and having stats tracking keywords that people put into search engines…I do know you can be found by seeminlgy very innocent words.
We went out of town and I wrote about it…named an artist and other things we did…and wrote something similar in an email to all my family and friends after the trip. A friend googled the place where we went on the trip plus one of the artist names and my blog came up 3 on the list for google.
It has been hard because I don’t post as much as I used to. But I still am completely honest with what I write…as I said it helped me be true to me. And when it stops I will stop blogging I am sure. But I hope to be an old lady that has been blogging for 20 years someday.
Sorry for babbling on and on! I enjoyed your thoughts thank you for sharing them!
magdelena Says:
June 14th, 2006 at 6:54 pmVisit magdelena
Introspectre - *warm hugs*
magdelena Says:
June 14th, 2006 at 7:08 pmVisit magdelena
danae - wow.. 6 years is such an impressive length of time to have blogged. Congratulations on that alone!
I think that truly bears out how powerful this form of writing and sharing can be. The clarification I’ve derived is irreplacable; there’s no where to run to once words and feelings are committed here. Something changes and that sense of release and movement is subtle yet strong. I imagine the freedom of those early years was quite amazing for you. I admire so much that you were that open, that takes a big spirit.
I well understand why you’ve had to close the shutters a little, it’s a wise choice in a world with critical eyes and cruel hearts.
I am sorry you had that experience with your friend. I hope all is well between you. Kudos to you for remaining true to yourself. Ultimately no matter what else people think, they have to acknowledge that such honesty is courageous and desirable. In no small way you’re a role model to them, and to us all.
Thanks so much for your comment here, I appreciate your time and your sharing.
with love.
Susan Says:
June 30th, 2006 at 7:09 amVisit Susan
Magdalena, I am going to be talking about your blog and this post in a talk I am doing at Gnomedex. All good wishes–Susah